Last week I called Heather in tears. My 2yr old and 9 week old have had 3 colds in 6 weeks. We have left the house as a 3some a handful of times and I was/is feeling lonely. Trying to adjust to this wonderful change that is our baby boy, while staying healthy and sane....at home.
I don't know about you but I am definitely someone who likes to go, go, go. For years, while working in the fashion industry, I complained about the go,go, go but now I see that I thrived on it. After Lily (my first was born) it took me 6 months to slow my brain down. As the mother of an extremely needy child, Lily came out screaming. She screamed a lot her first year of life. Everytime we got in the car she screamed. Me, so used to go go going would just drive, a bit too quickly, to where ever we we going. We would arrive frazzled and exhausted. When I met Heather, who has a daughter much like my own, I asked her "What do you do when she screams in the car?!". Her response, so simple, but so life changing for me, was "I pull over."....DUH! Why was I always in such a hurry to get to the store, or my parents house, or the library? I was no longer punching a time clock, Lily was/is my time clock. At that moment I started to adjust my thinking. To be what my children need, when they need it. Within reason of course!
Our days started to become more "normal". We planned playdates, visited the library, went to the park. If it was a rough day we canceled, if we had to pull over we were just late. It felt nice to get in a groove. It felt nice to be meeting my childs needs and having adult conversations with other moms. Our groove seemed short lived since when Lily was 13 months old I got pregnant with Dawson. With morning sickness and being tired and our dear friends and almost daily companions moving away, we stayed home more and I focused on getting through each day while still entertaining/growing Lily.
Towards the end of my pregnancy the lonliness set in. I noticed myself becoming more and more insecure and grew tired of giving so much to my daughter and not enough to my husband which contributed to my insecurities. Now 2 months after having Dawson I am struggling to get back to my "normal". Trying to figure out how to meet the needs of my husband, my 2 children (1 who is still extremely needy, wanting to hold my hand 24/7 but redeems herself by telling me I'm her "fwend" and giving me hugs and kisses, and 1 who is nursing every hour 24/7), my home, and my own needs which these days are daytime companionship. Last week I felt like I was drowning in these emotions. I found myself wondering Am I the only Stay at Home Mom that feels so alone? Why doesn't anyone talk about it? Why don't we reach out to other mom's in the supermarket, mall, or park? This week, with the kids feeling better I decided to try and get a grip on things. I printed a daily/weekly chore list to check off each day, we went to the store, to a music class, to play with friends. And overall it was a good week. The kids were in good spirits, healthy, and happy. Lily is learning so much right now. She is saying her letter sounds, it is amazing to see the fruits of my labor! And overall I feel good. I hope you feel good today too!
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