friday re-fresh

so, in my former life, I created, owned, ran, and loved a floral + event design studio called "Wild Poppy". Sometimes in the midst of my daily run of diapers, singing songs, wiping noses, and reading books, my mind strays...would it really be better for me, and in turn my family, if I returned, even if just simply part time, to the outside world?

Last Friday I had the opportunity to re-enter the working world. (actually earning a paycheck!!) The local flowershop on the square was needing seasonal help for the Valentine's weekend and hired me as a designer. I was thrilled. My husband would watch the girls Friday night, all day Saturday, and all day Sunday- popping in as needed for me to nurse Oakley.

well.

Three hours into my working evening on Friday, Dennison came by with the kids. Sawyer was still in good spirits- high from spending so much time with Daddy. Oakley was falling apart. Literally. In every sense of the word. Her sweet beautiful baby skin was blotchy from crying and her clear blue eyes filled with watery tears. She and I had never been apart for more than fifteen minutes. We sleep together. Take showers together. I wear her in a sling. I took a deep breath, fighting back my OWN tears- I never wanted my babies to feel this way! I just needed a little...space. I gave my sweet nursling "nie nie", gave Sawyer kisses, and helped Dennison load the girls back into the car. He called an hour later- they were having a major meltdown. All the way home, Sawyer couldn't stop crying "but we CAN'T go home without Momma!" and of course, this was making Oakley cry even harder than she was.

hmmm...my "me time" was quickly turning out to be a selfish choice.

I have no doubt that right now, exactly where I'm at in my life, my place is in the home with my babies and my husband. It's so easy to glamorize "something different" and "me time". I need to find my "me time" in the midst of my everyday. How can I shave off a few seconds here, and a minute or two there, and come up with some truely peaceful moments in my day? After all, quite honestly, that's what I'm after. I love my children. I can be around them all day and STILL want to breathe them in at night. I need to learn to be more peaceful and zen and appreciate small moments so my frustration doesn't build so much that I feel the need to get away from the very thing I've always wanted.

It was odd to work at the flower shop and honestly not think about the kids for MINUTES at a time. I was shocked that this was even possible. My entire being is usually so consumed with thoughts of everyone else- how's Denn at work? what do I need to feed Sawyer more of so she'll poop? when should I introduce avocado to Oakley? While working, literally 10 minutes would fly by before I would stop and wonder how my little family was faring without me.

I also realized that anyone can do flowers. Well, almost anyone. They may not be able to add the special touches that I can, but who cares? They're beautiful and stunning and...well...flowers. I'm raising strong, beautiful, independant, smart, funny, happy children. Nobody can do that better than me. At least not for the two kiddos I've got right now.

Working outside the home? I hated it. And loved it. And, as I reassured my sobbing two year old, I'll never do it again. At least for the next five years. At least.

xo